"Bittersweet"

"Bittersweet is the practice of believing that we really do need both the bitter and the sweet, and that a life of nothing but sweetness rots both your teeth and your soul. Bitter is what makes us strong, what forces us to push through, what helps us earn the lines on our faces and the calluses on our hands. Sweet is nice enough, but bittersweet is beautiful, nuanced, full of depth and complexity. Bittersweet is courageous, gutsy, and earthy."
- Shauna Niequist, "Bittersweet: Thoughts on change, grace, and learning the hard way"

I just started reading this book and already it resonates resoundly with me. The last few months have been hard and wonderful at the same time. Getting married was great, the first month or so afterwards... had its moments. It was not just transitioning to a new routine, sleeping with someone in my bed, or living in a new house...it was also the pressure I put on myself. I don't know where I got this idea of the perfect wife, who always had supper planned perfectly and kept the house spotless, all while managing a few part time jobs. Add a bladder infection in there just to complicate matters. But I quickly realized my picture of the perfect wife was unrealistic and unnecessary, as E. continually reminded me! My unrealistic, perfectionistic ideals resulted in me curling up in an anxious, panicked, stressed, ball on the bed every night.

Erik: "What can I do to help you out?"
Me....*swallowing my pride* "Make the bed in the morning."

And so I learned...to make time for myself every morning. To sometimes just wing supper or ask Erik to make it. To get him to tidy up while I cooked. It has been a long time since I felt God working so palpably in my life. But, it was almost as if I could hear God saying...learn to take your mental health seriously and buckle up; because this winter is going to be a long, cold ride." I began to realize if I was this stressed now, the events that I knew were coming up in the winter ahead would be unbearable. If I didn't learn to look after myself now, then I would be a mess when  my co-worker and close friend quit her job, my sister moved away, and when Erik was gone two months for schooling. I began to prepare myself.

But, even then I didn't think about the "bittersweet" concept...that sweetness could come from these events. The first event has happened. My good friend who has worked closely with me running the afterschool program for a year quit her job and moved away. At first I was lost...but then I realized this was a tremendous opportunity to challenge myself and make my abilities and skills transform into something better. I started taking on more responsibility in my work. I started feeling more competent and able. I did things that I would have made her do before. And I discovered I could do them myself.

The second event has happened as well. My best friend and sister has married the man she loves and moved to another country and time zone. It has been heartbreaking. But, I have also had so much more time for other people. In my search for friends and companionship, I have grown much closer to some dear souls...I have listened to hurting people. I have went the extra mile in a way I don't think I would have ever done if my sister hadn't moved away. I have been blessed by the prayers and kind words by people and have discovered that they care about me. Bittersweet.

The second event hasn't happened yet. It is hard to focus on the sweet part. And who knows what sweetness will come out of it. But, I trust that it will. I do not look forward to it. No one looks forward to bitterness. But, I have stopped denying its existence. Instead, I ready myself like a surfer for the next wave. I keep tabs on my emotional and mental health. I talk with others about the changes E's absence will bring. I tell my perfectionist brain that I will sometimes have to ask for help and that is ok! And more than anything I trust that He is my God and He is Good and He will gift me with the bittersweet.

~A